Trauma Bonding: Stages, Signs, Causes, and How to Break Free

Summary:
If you live in Ireland and you are worried about a relationship that leaves you anxious, confused, or walking on eggshells, you are not alone. In our Counselling, Hypnotherapy and Psychotherapy Clinics across Co Limerick and Co Cork, and in ONLINE sessions throughout Ireland, we meet people who feel unable to leave painful relationships even when the facts look clear. This article explains trauma bonding in plain English, how to spot it, what keeps it going, and the steps that can help you move toward safety and recovery. It also includes local Irish helplines and options for confidential support. With over 20+ years of clinical experience we are here to help and support

What is a trauma bond?

A trauma bond is an intense emotional attachment that forms in a relationship where periods of abuse are mixed with occasional warmth and attention. Behavioural science calls this intermittent reinforcement, where unpredictable “highs” after distress create very strong conditioning. The result is a bond that feels powerful, even when it is harmful. Early research in abusive relationships showed that the on–off pattern of mistreatment and care predicts post-separation attachment and difficulty leaving. (PubMed)

You may have heard trauma bonding compared to Stockholm syndrome. More recent work suggests the term appeasement describes it better in life-threatening or coercive situations. Appeasement means the survivor’s nervous system adapts to danger by trying to calm the perpetrator to stay safe, rather than forming genuine affection. (PMC)

Key idea: trauma bonds are not love. Love rests on safety, respect, and equality. Trauma bonds rest on fear, control, confusion, and brief rewards that keep hope alive.

The cycle that creates the bond

Trauma bonding develops through a predictable set of features that repeat and intensify over time:

  1. Power imbalance
    One person controls money, time, movement, devices, or social contact. The other adapts to avoid conflict.
  2. Alternating treatment
    Abuse, blame, or silent punishment is followed by apologies, gifts, or affection. The nervous system learns to expect unpredictable “rewards” after distress, which strengthens attachment to the very source of the pain. This is how intermittent reinforcement works in learning. (PMC)
  3. Gratitude and self-blame
    You may feel oddly grateful for small kindnesses and blame yourself for the bad times
  4. Internalising the abuser’s viewpoint
    Over time, you may doubt your memory, minimise incidents, or repeat their explanations back to yourself and others.

Common signs of trauma bonding

  • You defend the person’s behaviour to friends, even when you are hurt by it.
  • You feel responsible for their moods, and anxious when you cannot “fix” them.
  • You leave and return, or plan to leave but feel pulled back after a kind message.
  • You keep secrets about what is happening to avoid judgement or escalation.
  • You feel intense relief on good days and deep panic on bad days.

Tactics that keep the bond in place

  • Gaslighting, where your memory or perception is challenged until you doubt yourself  (Semantic Scholar)
  • Intimidation and fear-mongering, direct or implied, which makes staying seem often safer than leaving
  • Emotional roller-coasters, alternating cruelty and care that hard-wire the bond through reward learning  (PMC)

Why trauma bonds form: a quick tour of brain and body

When we face threat, our attachment systems switch on to seek protection. Stress hormones like cortisol rise, and the brain searches for safety. The social neuropeptide oxytocin helps shape bonds and can intensify attention to social signals. Crucially, oxytocin does not always make people prosocial. It can heighten the salience of social cues in context. In a risky relationship, that can mean stronger vigilance and stronger pull toward the very person who sometimes soothes the fear they helped create. (ScienceDirect)

Other contributors:

  • Childhood adversity and insecure attachment can increase vulnerability to trauma bonds later on.
  • Substance use may be used by perpetrators as a control tactic, and it can become intertwined with the bond itself, particularly in sexual exploitation. (PubMed)
  • Neurodivergence and ADHD: research suggests links between ADHD traits and greater involvement in intimate partner violence, as victim, perpetrator, or both. Reasons include impulsivity, emotional intensity, and prior rejection or trauma. This does not excuse abuse. It highlights the need for tailored support and clear safety planning. (PubMed)

Health effects you can feel day to day

Living inside a trauma bond affects the whole body:

  • Physical health: chronic stress is linked with headaches, gut issues, sleep disturbance, high blood pressure, pelvic pain, and more. (PubMed)
  • Mental health: anxiety, low mood, hypervigilance, and trauma symptoms often persist. Some survivors report cognitive fog and exhaustion from constant threat detection. Large reviews and Irish guidance recognise these wide-ranging harms. (NCBI)
  • Brain injuries: repetitive head trauma in violent relationships can lead to long-term problems with mood, sleep, and cognition. (The Guardian)

If any of this sounds familiar, you deserve prompt, practical support. See the Irish helplines at the end of this article.

How to tell it is a trauma bond rather than love

Ask yourself three practical questions:

  • Is there safety and respect, consistently?
  • Are my boundaries and choices honoured, consistently?
  • Do I feel free to be myself without fear, consistently?

If the answer is often no, and the relationship runs on fear, control, and unpredictable rewards, you are likely dealing with a trauma bond, not love.

How to break a trauma bond

Breaking free is a process. Consider these steps, taken steadily and with support.

1) Name the pattern

Write down what happens before, during, and after incidents. Seeing the cycle on paper reduces confusion. Keep records safely, for legal or safeguarding purposes if needed.

2) Build a safety plan

This is a personalised, practical plan to increase day-to-day safety. It can include a go-bag, copies of documents, code-words with trusted people, safer device use, and routes to shelter or legal help. Women’s Aid Ireland offers a detailed safety-planning guide, and Safe Ireland lists local services. (Women’s Aid)

3) Strengthen social and economic resources

Evidence shows that access to income, education, and supportive networks improves the chance of safe separation. If you can, line up safe housing, transport, and childcare. Ask a professional about emergency legal measures.

4) Work with a qualified professional

For trauma symptoms, trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy has strong guideline support. It helps you understand triggers, reduce avoidance, stabilise sleep, and rebuild day-to-day confidence. (NICE)
I offer evidence-based Counselling, Psychotherapy, Couples and Marriage Counselling for non-abusive relationship challenges, RTT, Clinical Medical Hypnotherapy, and Registered Nutritionist input to support mood, sleep, gut symptoms, and energy during recovery.

Important safety note: Couples therapy is not recommended where there is domestic abuse or coercive control, because it can increase risk and silence the survivor. Start with individual support and specialist services. (The Hotline)

5) Reconnect with your body and daily rhythm

Gentle grounding, paced breathing, time in nature, steady meals, and consistent sleep support the stress system. As a nutritionist I often see improvements in gut discomfort, sugar swings, and fatigue when we restore regular protein intake, fibre for the microbiome, and iron and B-vitamin status if these are low. Check with your GP before changing medication or supplements.

6) Expect mixed feelings

You may miss the good moments or feel guilty. This is normal when the bond was wired through threat and reward. Keep returning to facts, not promises. Track behaviour, not words.

A short word on children, fertility, hormonal issues, addictions, food issues, eating disorders and the gut brain link

Coercive or frightening relationships adds an extra load to the nervous system. That load frequently shows up in clinic as CFS, ME, Autoimmune disorders, inflammatory conditions, GUT issues, digestive issues, IBS flares, reflux, skin issues, breakouts, headaches, addictions, eating disorders, menstrual irregularity, or fatigue. People with autoimmune conditions, thyroid conditions, or perimenopausal symptoms often notice stress makes everything worse. Simple, steady steps with food, sleep, and a calmer routine, alongside psychological work, support the whole system while you make changes. If there are safety concerns for children or vulnerable adults, follow Irish safeguarding guidance and contact the Gardaí in an emergency.

Realistic expectations

It is common to move forward, wobble, and then move forward again. Every practical action that increases safety counts. You do not need to do everything at once. You do not need to do it alone.

Irish support and urgent help

  • Women’s Aid 24-hour National Freephone Helpline: 1800 341 900. Instant message service available. (Women’s Aid)
  • Men’s Aid Ireland Confidential National Support Line: 01 554 3811. (Men’s Aid)
  • Dublin Rape Crisis Centre National Helpline: 1800 77 88 88. (Dublin Rape Crisis Centre)
  • Samaritans Ireland: 116 123 for emotional support. (Samaritans)
  • Emergency: 999 or 112 for Gardaí.

FAQs

1) Can a trauma bond happen without physical violence?
Yes. Emotional, financial, sexual, and digital abuse can all create trauma bonds by using fear, control, and intermittent rewards. (Citizens Information)

2) Is trauma bonding the same as codependency?
They can overlap, but trauma bonding centres on fear and control. Codependent patterns centre on caretaking and identity in relationships. Both benefit from clear boundaries and professional support.

3) Will the person change if I am patient?
Lasting change requires insight, responsibility, and structured programmes. Watch actions over months, not promises over days.

4) Should we try couples counselling?
Not where abuse or coercive control is present. This can increase risk. Seek individual support and specialist services first. (The Hotline)

5) What helps the anxiety and sleep problems?
Trauma-focused therapy, paced breathing, predictable routines, and nutrition support for blood sugar and iron status can ease symptoms. Your GP can check for thyroid or iron issues that worsen anxiety and fatigue.

6) I am neurodivergent. Does that change support options?
Yes. We can adapt communication, pacing, sensory considerations, and executive-function support. Research shows ADHD is linked with higher IPV involvement. This underscores the need for tailored, non-judgemental care. (PubMed)

7) Is leaving always the goal?
Safety is the goal. For some that means preparing to leave. For others it means legal boundaries or safety upgrades. Your plan is your choice.

 

Discreet next steps

If you want structured, confidential help, I offer ONLINE appointments across Ireland and in-person sessions in Adare, Newcastle West, Limerick, Abbeyfeale, Charleville, Midleton, Youghal, Cork, Dublin, and Dungarven. THERAPY Services include Counselling, Psychotherapy, Couples and Marriage Counselling for non-abusive patterns, RTT, Clinical Medical Hypnotherapy, Hypnotherapy for addictions and trauma, and Registered Nutritionist support for stress-related gut issues, food addictions, sugar addictions, alcohol addictions, drug addiction, weed addiction, eating disorders, hormonal symptoms, weight concerns, and sleep.

Book a Therapy Consultation Now

Appointments: ONLINE across Ireland, and in person in Adare, Newcastle West, Limerick, Abbeyfeale, Charleville, Kanturk, Midleton, Youghal, Cork, Dublin, Dungarven.
Request a confidential appointment today.

Educational disclaimer

This article is for education only. It does not replace medical, legal, or safeguarding advice. If you are in danger, call 999 or 112.

References

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  2. Thrailkill EA, et al. Partial reinforcement extinction and omission effects in the conditioned suppression procedure. Learn Mem. 2023. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10524675/ (PMC)
  3. Bailey R, et al. Appeasement: replacing Stockholm syndrome as a definition of a survival strategy. Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2023. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9858395/ (PMC)
  4. Shamay-Tsoory SG, Abu-Akel A. The social salience hypothesis of oxytocin. Biol Psychiatry. 2016. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26321019/ (PubMed)
  5. Olff M, et al. Oxytocin in social bonding, stress regulation and mental health. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2013. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306453013002369 (ScienceDirect)
  6. WHO. Violence against women: key facts. 2024. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women (World Health Organization)
  7. Campbell JC. Health consequences of intimate partner violence. Lancet. 2002;359:1331-36. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12020187/ (PubMed)
  8. National Academies. Health Effects of IPV. 2024. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK605462/ (NCBI)
  9. HSE. Domestic violence and abuse: signs and support. https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/life-situations-events/domestic-violence-and-abuse/ (HSE.ie)
  10. NICE Guideline NG116. Post-traumatic stress disorder. 2018, last reviewed 2025. https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng116 (NICE)
  11. Ragucci F, et al. Psychological interventions for PTSD among women survivors of IPV. Lancet Reg Health Eur. 2024. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S266691532400088X (ScienceDirect)
  12. Crespo M, et al. Evocation of positive memories as complement to trauma therapy after IPV. Psychol Res Behav Manag. 2024. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11559032/ (PMC)
  13. Casassa K, et al. “Drugs can be a great coercion”: substance use and trauma bonding in sex trafficking. Health Soc Work. 2023. https://academic.oup.com/hsw/article-abstract/48/3/198/7189830 (OUP Academic)
  14. Langton L, et al. Sex trafficking and substance use: identifying high-risk indicators. BMC Public Health. 2022. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9519098/ (PMC)
  15. Women’s Aid Ireland. Safety planning. https://www.womensaid.ie/get-help/your-rights-options/safety-planning/ (Women’s Aid)
  16. The Hotline. Why couples therapy is not recommended in abusive relationships. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/ (The Hotline)
  17. Paige L. Sweet. The sociology of gaslighting. Am Sociol Rev. 2019. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0003122419874843 (Semantic Scholar)
  18. Harris JA, Kwok DWS, Gottlieb DA. Partial reinforcement and learning about nonreinforced trials. 2019. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/334861603_The_partial_reinforcement_extinction_effect_depends_on_learning_about_nonreinforced_trials_rather_than_reinforcement_rate (ResearchGate)
  19. Merscher J, et al. Adult ADHD and IPV involvement. Sci Rep. 2025. https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-024-74222-w (Nature)
  20. Wymbs BT, et al. ADHD symptoms as risk factors for IPV. J Interpers Violence. 2017. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26025345/ (PubMed)

You can take one small step today. Name the pattern. Add one item to a safety plan. Reach for steady support that respects your pace. And if you would like a confidential, evidence-based plan that includes Counselling, Psychotherapy, Clinical Medical Hypnotherapy, RTT, and Nutrition support, book a consultation and we will build it together.